Every now and then, there is a post on Post Secret that fits in this vein. “I have decided to kill myself after X comes out.”

Most people I’ve talked to who are suicidal to varying degrees don’t respond to emotional trauma with plans of suicide. Rather, they have a drawn out plan that relates to a specific life or cultural event, either for them or someone else. After I turn thirty. After my parents’ fortieth anniversary. After my best friend’s wedding. There’s a forethought, either selfish or selfless, that the event is so important it either needs to be experienced or they don’t want their death overshadowing the importance of it.

Of these, the ones I find most interesting relate to cultural events. “I want to see the end of Lost” (no longer valid). For years, there were “I want to know how Harry Potter ends,” and with the book series ending those thoughts were transferred to the movies. I first heard someone say something like this in 2000. A t the time I was younger, harsher than I am now and my immediate thought was ‘Well, that’s ridiculous.’
Now I don’t.

When I’m biking and it’s really hard, I look somewhere ahead of me and I say “There. When I get there, I will rest.” I know I won’t, but I say that, as though I can convince myself of the obvious lie. I focus every part of me on getting to that spot until reaching it is the only thing that matters. When I get there, I pick a new spot, like I knew I would in the first place.

Eventually I get to a part where it’s easy.

Most people I know do this with their lives, especially when things are hard. They pick a point, somewhere, and they go to it. That point can be in time or a goal that they have to work towards, but it’s something. It’s a singular thing they can focus on. It’s a hope they can tell themselves.

I need to struggle now, but once the last Harry Potter book comes out, I can finally rest. I can finally give up.

And even if they’re not lying to themselves the way I lie to myself when I say I’ll stop when I get there, they then have time to find something new. They have time for things to get better. They have time for things to change.

I have no statistics on people who say this or do this. I have no idea how many actually kill themselves and how many find something new to live for, but I like to think that they pick a new point and refocus their vision. “I’ll wait till i get there,” they’ll say. And then, one day, they’ll be on top of the hill they’ve been struggling to get up and just coast down.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s