The month of May wrapped up a man throwing his own intestines at cops. This was only the latest in a string of incidents that make clear the zombie apocalypse is upon us. At least, that’s the story. Because people love zombies.

I used to love zombies too. I am enamored with the idea of apocalypse scenarios because I am enamored with the idea of survival. Of struggle. I think there’s a lot of value in working every day to have what you need. The thing is–unlike people all over the world(1)–I’ve never had to do any of that, which is probably why I think it’s such a lovely idea. I’ve only ever lived in cities. I work a desk job. I am soft and squishy and a bit round.

This is why I would die in a zombie apocalypse. This is also why it lost its appeal.

One day I was biking up my hill, slow and plodding through the dark night, when I heard a noise. At that moment I realized that on that bike, on that hill, I would be fucked if something was chasing me. I was not, am not, fast enough. I’m not strong enough, physically or emotionally, to do what needs to be done during a zombie infestation. I probably could not kill. I have no tools that could be useful. I have no skills that could be useful. I can cook and fix basic bike problems and make courses and play bassoon. I cannot grow food or climb over things or run fast or even eat an animal. I can’t dodge or fend off an attacker or shake off someone holding me. I could not allow someone else to suffer by stealing their supplies or leaving them behind.

Basically, I would die right away, and in the unlikely event I somehow managed to hide in a tree from the hungry demons, I would die soon afterwards due to my inability to survive.

Plus, man, zombies are just gross. I mean, seriously rotting flesh? This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy zombie fiction, or even zombie survival fantasies, but I do not look forward to the disease starting, spreading, and humanity fighting against the undead menace.

(1) I in no way endorse or know about these links that point to charities or projects. I honestly just googled for random examples.

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